Chapter 4: That Was Then, This Is Now

"Nightgown! Get over here quick! Nick's hurt!"

"Tami? Tami! Where are you?"

"Over here! By the phone booth! Looks like he hit his head on the door trying to get out. I don't think he's cut, but he's out cold."

"Nightgown, try to get any of the other Monkeeheads on the CB, and tell 'em to turn around! HURRY! And Androo, get the kambucha!"

"Eeewwwwwww!"

ears ago, before the white man, before the Amchampi and the Hooloovoo and the Melhi, a small tribe of Ojibways -- you probably know them as the Chippewa -- settled around the mouth of the lake they call Erie, which in their language meant 'The Lake We Call Erie.' It was here that they felt their chakta was strongest, and so it was here that they formed the City of Cleveland."

"But I thought the sieur de La Salle were the first settlers in the area?"

"Uh-uh, nope, 's was the Indians that built Cleveland."

The waitress had returned with my menu. Not particularly hungry, I scanned down the list of entrees. Spam. Twinkies. Spam and Twinkies. Twinkies, Spam, Spam, and Twinkies. Peas and Hominy. Wet trout. I closed the menu and just ordered a Snapple.

The stranger continued. "Now, in those days, humans and nature lived in harmony. The fields and arenas were filled with yardbirds and animals and turtles, and byrds filled the skies. Ruling above all of these creatures, though, were the beetles. The legend has it they they first arrived here from somewhere overseas, but whatever their origins, within a very short time they had ensconced themselves as the de facto rulers of the land. There were some that said that they actually achieved much of their success by secretly consulting stones, and in fact there was much envy among the other creatures, but all in all it was a splendid time.

"It was into this land that there came the one they call The Donkey.

"The Donkey believed that there was a great power to be had from this Harmony, and in fact had in the past been very successful in selling this Harmony among the other creatures in the lands that he had inhabited. Accompanied by a wonderful animal that was the result of a mating of a buffalo and stag, the legendary Bison Hart, he came here with a quartet of simians that he had brought together, with the intent of somehow using them to put himself in the apogee of power over all Harmony.

"But while The Donkey may have been instrumental in bringing these simians together, he lost sight of the fact that he did not give them life, and that no person may rightly have ownership of any other creature of the earth. The Bison Hart was the first victim of his meglomania; when The Donkey informed the Hart that it would be replaced as accolyte, the Hart -- released of its chains -- ran free. The simians then rebelled against their captivity and broke ranks with The Donkey, befriending the Bison Hart and becaming in time an integral part of the Harmony that surrounded them, leaving The Donkey to continue his pursuits elsewhere. In time, the four simians went their separate ways, as is their right, but their achievements stand forever as proof of the power of Harmony over material things. It is said that on more than one occasion, simians and beetles were even seen together..."

His voice trailed off, and I found myself trying to imagine what a time it was. "So how did this legendary 'City of Cleveland' disappear?"

"It didn't, at least not at first. But over time the Ojibway drifted away, the animals went on oldies tours, and when United announced $49 fares out, well..."

The waitress returned with my Snapple. I opened it up, clicked the cap a few times, and took a sip. Mmmm, best stuff on earth.

"There exists in the site of the City of Cleveland a shrine and refuge to those times, however, so that we may remember; it's kinda dopey looking, and has an entrance that looks just like something else the architect designed, who if you asked me probably took the world's last remaining four-blotter hit of THC before sitting down at the design table, but it remains a singular monument to what had happened, especially if you don't count the Hard Rock Cafe chain. And to ensure that it lasts beyond the ages, beyond the tragedy that was The City of Cleveland, the area is kept clean by the ones called The Red-Hot Recycling Babes. They say that late at night, when the crackling fires on the lake die down, you can hear the sound of their ethereal Saran Wrap as it blows in the wind. In a large way, the Babes are the keepers of the flame.

"But there is a danger. The shrine is small, and though it serves as a place of refuge not every animal that deserves protection is allowed within its walls. Only a small number are admitted at a time.

"There is talk of the simians planning to hold a reunion of sorts, and therein lies the danger. The land is different now than it once was; peace and harmony no longer holds sway, and there are many creatures who would like to see the legend of the simians ended once and for all. A way must be found to have the simians admitted into the shrine, for it is only in this way that their legend may be protected from asurptation.

"You must find The Babes, Nick, for they are the key to the way..."

As if on cue, the lights in The Elegant Rhino suddenly flashed out, and I was enveloped in darkness.